THE NEW LABOUR GUIDE TO YULETIDE

WE'VE been celebrating Christmas happily for almost 2,000 years. But it surely won’t be long before Labour decides that the festivities need to be updated in line with its values.

In the spirit of festive fun, let me offer you a sneak preview of what to expect: Schools Secretary Ed Balls, aided by the newly established quango the Faith Initiative And Safety Committee

Organisation (FIASCO), has been beavering away on a glossy booklet setting out the responsible way to enjoy the season.

Set out below are its main conclusions.

Before placing any decorations on the tree, conduct a full risk assessment of the premises.

Fairy lights may only be installed in the home by a qualified electrician. They must also be inspected regularly by the Health and Safety executive.

Paper hats have been banned as a potential fire hazard under the European Union’s new Dangerous Headgear regulations. Instead hard hats must be worn at all times by those sitting at the dining table.

Ensure that your Faith event dinner complies with anti-obesity guidelines issued by the Food Standards Agency. Turkeys must be weighed and checked for fat content by the local authority healthy-eating co-ordinator. Plum puddings may only be consumed under licence.

On Faith event Day plus one (previously known as Boxing Day), all citizens are required to have their
body mass index examined. Those deemed to have over- indulged will be subject to an ingestion charge.

Under Harriet Harman’s equality Order kissing under the mistletoe has been decreed a form of sexual harassment. This regulation, however, does not apply to same-sex couples.


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